Woah. One year. We made it. There were a few times when I wasn't sure we would, but here we are. One year later. One year older. One year wiser. One year...crazier?
This has been the most joyful, stressful and most incredible year of our lives. I was so naive about having a child. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I thought I knew what to expect. I soooo didn't.
You know that moment that people talk about when you fall madly in love with your baby the second you see them? Well, that didn't happen to me. I remember looking up from the operating table, making sure everything was ok, and then promptly placing my head back down in an effort to stay alive. I was terrified during my c-section and all those things I said I would do (like immediate skin-to-skin contact and not sending my baby to the nursery) all flew out the window. I knew he was in good hands and my husband proudly held him while they stitched me up, but even after the surgery, I looked down at this tiny baby and wasn't sure what to think. I felt ferociously protective over him, but I didn't
know him. Who was this little boy in my arms? Who would he turn out to be? Would he be kind, gentle, sympathetic? Would he respect me? Millions of questions flooded my head, but I just kept caring for him, watching the nurses, heeding my family's advice, reading about the "right" way to do things.
And then, one day, Kz looked at me. I mean he REALLY looked at me. Yes, I know newborns can't focus like that and yes, I know it was probably accidental. But I don't care. I remember him looking directly into my eyes and at that moment, I knew I had loved him all along. I realized that the innate sense to protect him that very first day was instant, unconditional love. Everyday since then, my love has grown. As I sit here now, writing his first birthday post, I can't imagine how I could possibly love him any more than I do. It's a scary feeling, loving someone so much. I want to protect him forever and while I know that is impossible, at one year old, he is my baby to protect. He is always by my side. He laughs at all my jokes. He smiles when I reach to pick him up. He "talks" to me and gives me kisses. He loves me.
My little monster took his first steps at the beginning of the week and he's already practicing jetting around the house. That's just how fast it all goes. When people used to say, "Before you know it, he'll be all grown up," I would smile politely but think, "I already feel like it has been an eternity." Having a a baby is hard work. But he is, by far, my finest work. And no matter how crazy this year has been, I can't wait to see what comes next.
Ok. Enough birthday mush.
We did have a small celebration with family last weekend (thank goodness because Kz is totally teething and miserable today). Here are a few snapshots from the day!
Happy Birthday, Kz! And thank you to all of our followers who help inspire us to create, learn, explore and grow together each day. We love you!
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